Harry Potter the Prank Society without Sobriety
by If p then q
Summary: Harry decides that the twins could use some help in harassing the esteemed new Headmaster of Hogwarts in the 5th book. AU, meant to be stupid and flaunt my disobeying the "facts" I mean, this is fiction. My facts are the only true facts. HG
1. The Introduction: killer bunnies?

The Prank Society without Sobriety I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

Harry Potter had just had a very satisfying day. In addition to outwitting the new Headmaster yet again(Not that it was that hard, really) he also had talked to his godfather, seen some very lovely pranks executed by the twins, and generally things were looking up. Despite Umbridge's attempts to subdue him, Harry knew that with him running the DA behind her back, none of the students would ever consider him defeated.

And looking at the pranks the twins had done gave Harry several very fun ideas of what to do. And while the twins had nothing left to lose, Harry decided to make sure they didn't get expelled- if he worked with them, so much more could be done. Umbridge's authority would be undermined using several subtle and many blatant jokes directed at her person. The students would have a hard time not laughing at her upon sight. Of course, Harry had to restrain cringing, but his latest thoughts changed that.

Harry happily laid back into his bed, ready for the joyous day that was to be tomorrow. At least for him.

The twins were ecstatic of course. "Finally, another to fallow in our hallowed footsteps. Ron is too much of a wimp, and too stupid, and Gin-Gin could follow us, but she likes to be more behind the scenes." Harry knew that Ginny could be more than proficient if she so desired, not that he wished to experience bats from his own mucous excretions, so he though he'd do wise not to aggravate her. Even if her new boyfriend was atrocious.

And totally not suited for her. And had the intelligence just sub-par, if par was a troll, and bogey was Crab and Goyle. How he got into Ravenclaw was anyone's guess.

Speaking of bogies...maybe it would pay off to compliment Ginny on her cardigan tomorrow?

Come to think of it, most Ravenclaws really weren't that bright. With the exception of Luna. Harry wisely shuddered. She was friends with Ginny, and that could only mean that she also knew how to create flying bat bogies.Luna also had a deep intellect under the inane chatter. Harry was pretty sure she was plotting a revolution, and Wrackspurks would lead her army. Harry wearily shook out the idea of multicolored rabbit...things joyously screaming WORLD DOMINATION. It all made sense now. She had just been speaking in code so noone could accuse her of masking her rebellion. She probably enjoyed telling Malfoy how he would roast over a fire even as her rejected her as insane.

Harry was already planning how best to compliment her Nargle repelling Butterbeer necklace the next time he saw her.

Another part of Harry's brain at this time put forth that Harry didn't seem to object to Cho being called stupid. Perhaps we could move on now?

Don't be stupid Harry. She's pretty.

Yes, but so is just about every girl. Besides, she has obvious emotional damage and you "date" was a disaster. She also is insecure, and doesn't feel comfortable with your best friend, who is practically your sister.

Movement to carry motion #239A?

Movement sustained.

Movement grudgingly sustained.

Aye.

That makes a majority. We will wait until the next scheduled meeting to make any progress into a suitable replacement. The subcommittee on Internal and Hidden Desires will work overtime to find some clue, then hide all the evidence except a small folder they will carry over into the crew responsible for Embedded Visual Production, who will delete the file upon successful subconscious broadcast. None in contention?

This meeting is adjourned.

Harry fell asleep.

* * *

**Author's Notes**  
I feel I have to explain that last sequence. Harry's brain is kind of like Congress, with various voices representing the constituencies of various talents and ideas. Unlike Congress, they get stuff done and agree once a valid idea is presented. They do have the advantage of 18 hour long meetings without lunch breaks though...  
Feel free to review. If your life sucks and you want to flame, feel free. I have enough personal esteem to take it. I would, of course, prefer not to read immature comments about how I should never write again, etc.  
I promise not to ever hold this fic ransom for reviews. That's just lame.

Updated! Added disclaimer, other stuff, the notes above, etc. New chapter upcoming. School is hard, but I have a half-day tommorow, so I'll try to finish the 2nd Chapter


	2. Harry shocks Hermione

The Prank Society without Sobriety

* * *

I don't own anything! Including me!

The day began as it always did. This was to say that all the people in Hogwarts woke up, had the opportunity to consider the absolute absurdity of the fact that magic and rotating around an object several million miles away was normal, and promptly ignored this notion.

School days were always hectic, and people always were anxious. But a small group of students were more eager than even Hermione before finals. Had any been paying any attention, the signs would have become evident. Thankfully two of the perpetrators long learned to be quiet, and everyone was either too groggy or ignoring Harry to notice his smile; the first visible sign of enjoyment exhibited for months.

Had they noticed, they might have expected one of a small list of things. Perhaps Harry had managed to find a way to eviscerate Malfoy and/or Snape without consequence. Perhaps he had heard from his secret girlfriend(people couldn't understand how Harry didn't "get" more than he did, so the prevailing theory was that he had a muggle girl). There were other reasons, but given the recent detention with Umbridge, almost none could have boosted Harry's flagging spirits or erased his quickly seen anger.

None the less, the signs were there. And they had already set up a nice alibi. It was a very nice alibi. It had been provided by the victim herself. Perhaps the word victim is to harsh to the plotters. After all, a victim is typically innocent. The term "weakening of illegally obtained power" sounds better, doesn't it? Maybe even "proud and brave acts against the regime that had committed so many atrocities"? In any case, three waited, carefully checking and rechecking their various timepieces that had been synchronized the day before.

Breakfast in the Great Hall was always an interesting affair. It typically was divided not only into house boundaries, but also into the two single greatest divisors of the human race: morning people and sane people.

The morning people cheerfully said good morning and then proceeded to rattle on a few various facts about their lives.

The sane people whose minds had booted up enough to think immediately declared the phrase "Good Morning" an oxymoron and groaned into the table. A few glared at the morning people through bleary eyes. A few first years had their desire for sleep overpowered by their desire for survival; they had Potions next and Snape was giving what promised to be the hardest test in their young lives. Fortunately for the first years, the next sequence of events due to occur in...Harry looked down at his watch...5 minutes and 37 seconds would change all this.

More people stumbled or cheerfully walked in. Ron walked with his eyes half shut to his spot in the table; the location and route having been memorized after thousands of similar trips. Ron was even capable of avoiding the trick stairs steps in half-consciousness.

Hermione promptly followed in a much more dignified and alert gait, her brain fully ready to recall any detail for the betterment of her peers.

Had any been paying attention, they would have noticed Harry and the twins shiver a little, then smirk a devious smirk.

Harry quickly ducked his head over his cereal bowl before his merriment could escape. Those who were crazy enough to sit next to the twins were already used to many false alerts; the twins used them all the time so that no incidents could accurately predict an upcoming calamity.

3 minutes 29 seconds remaining.

Harry buttered his toast.

3 minutes 7 seconds remaining (Harry buttered it really, really well).

Harry ate his toast.

Ron engulfed his porridge, sending bits of it everywhere. Everyone was used to this, Hermione's "Really Ron" was so ingrained into her it was second nature and automatically ignored by everyone.

2 minutes 36 seconds remaining

Hermione began rambling on about house elf rights...AGAIN.

"Really, Ron that food was made by slave labor..."

"...And I really think that we all should..."

"...Right Harry?"

Harry briefly considered this change of events. If he said no, Hermione would yell at him too. If he agreed, he caused suffering for him and Ron. The best course was to calmly steer his path of neutrality. But Harry remembered other considerations...

"Of course Hermione. I'm sure Dobby completely agrees. Why don't we go and petition the Ministry next week?"

This had the effect of making Hermione and Ron drop their jaws(revealing a great amount of chewed up eggs and other unidentifiable food objects in Ron's mouth, and pearly whites that sparkled in Hermione's)

"Really?" Hermione squealed excitedly, beaming and looking much like a thirteen year old told she would marry the rich movie star after all.

"Yeah, I mean after seeing Kreacher, I really reevaluated my opinion on house-elves."

"MFJUEvjie Kwether czuy?" Ron spluttered around his eggs. (AN-I suck at food speak)

"Even Ron agrees." Hermione was too excited to have interpreted the food speak, and accepted this blatant lie at face value.

"Excellent, I'll add it to our schedule."

"Yeah, we can go because of Ministry Bylaw 410 section 23B which allows anybody to meet with the Ministry following a broaching of rights. Now, the problem with this is that I have to actually have had my rights broached, and can only discuss the broaching of my rights. However, house elves are considered part of your person once claimed by you, barbaric but true in this case. So all we have to do is offer Dobby some good wages as my house elf, with weekends and holidays and other amenities, and then register with the Ministry. Regrettably this will require us to visit Gringotts. But the Pureblood Act of 1820 allows any heir and his guest to leave school grounds to consult with the goblins, within reasonable limits. And I have not gone to receive the traditional heir accommodation ceremony, so I have the perfect excuse. And we don't even have to clear it with the headmaster, who would reject it anyways."

Harry's explanation further flabbergasted Ron, and served only to further advance Hermione's stage of excitement and awe.

The side effect was that the entire table was silent and unmoving for a good few seconds.

1 minute remaining.

Harry had decided to try to rejuvenate the others. He snapped his fingers.

He snapped them again.

He then remembered he couldn't snap his fingers loudly after Dudley cracked his knuckle as a 6 yearold.

Harry told Hermione that he might cancel the trip if she was so appalled by his suggestion, and move to more suitable compnay without elitism attitudes.

Hermione snapped out of it.

"But Harry, that law is based upon the Treaty of 1642, which expired twenty years ago."

"But the expiration has to be noted by the Ministry and placed in the front page of the Daily Prophet. Guess who forgot? Not the goblins."

"THAT'S BRILLIANT HARRY?"

"Thank you. I try."

42 seconds remaining.

Harry remembered that he simply had to be eating and pretend to be surprised. He highly doubted anyone would suspect the depressed emo kid that yelled a lot, but had been instructed by Fred and George nonetheless.

Harry asked for the orange juice.

He received the orange juice approximately 9 seconds later.

Harry poured the orange juice and gave a silent toast to Fred and George, who grinningly did the same back to him.

30 seconds remaining.

It would be best if he was not eating when the impending disaster struck.

He had some Defense against the Dark Arts homework to do. It would be the first assignment completed for that class in nearly a fortnight. Harry quietly began answering the questions, correctly filling in the ministry approved methods of winning an encounter with a Dementer (not having one, as they **never** left Azkaban, silly).

15 seconds remaining.

Harry glanced up to see Ron still staring at him. I must have broke him, he thought.

10 seconds

Harry began to write down the prescribed method of dodging spells.

5 seconds

Harry added the period to his sentence.

2 seconds

Harry Potter lifted his quill from his paper and stored it neatly in his bag.

1 second

Harry put his bag down.

* * *

_Author's Note_

I couldn't come up with anything for the end that was worthy of my ego.(or Harry's) I'll try to come up with something **really** good after I reread the 5th book.

Sorry for the random little misspellings and grammar errors, I try to get them but don't always get them all.

The guy who founded Linux said that all bugs can be found after extensive reading by thousands. Maybe this could happen on a smaller scale? Review if you find something wrong. Or if you have nothing better to do. I might have something better to do than respond immediately, especially with my ever accumulating pile of homework; but I will respond eventually. I will work as hard as possible b/c I know what it's like to get in the middle of a good story only to find that it has been abandoned like 3 years ago. I now check the last updated and complete/incomplete section on the fic before reading it.


	3. Interruption of Creation by Feline

Umm....

Sorry, I just had to say this. My cat sleeps in my room( she makes a nice bed warmer).

Unfortunately, she also tends to like books.

Especially paperback books.

Especially my sole copy of Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix, that happens to be paperback.

And she tends to like to tear up paperback books that she really, **really likes**, resulting in lots of little confetti pieces.

And thus I returned to my bedroom, aghast at the desecration of my beloved book.

Yeah.

So I have to go get another copy. I felt like I had to explain. So it'll be like a week or two more before I update. I promise. Yeah, I just cut my scheduled sleeping time **way **down once I get another copy. If I scheduled my sleep. I personally think that's just kinda weird. And I'm really too disorganized to have **any** type of schedule, let alone some random one like that.

Thank you for your patience and kindness...

Actually, you all should be thanking me, the high and mighty overlord of the universe(as soon as they let me out of the so called "happy house.")

Kind of a retarded name, "happy house." It's neither happy nor a house. And I'm too cynical for anything to be happy. And too sarcastic for anyone to believe me if I called anyone happy in any tone not deriding something/someone.

That is all. End transmission. End. End dang it!


	4. Invading Pirated Digits

**Invading Pirated Digits (Would be a cool band name)**

* * *

I got another copy....

* * *

The chapter began as every chapter did. That is to say the author had been on a sugar high and/or was sleep deprived at the time of writing.

Insert inane nonsensical rambling here.

And our story (well mine really) continues.

Just as the explosion was about to go off, a lawyer entered the room.

Harry had a deathly fear of lawyers. And goblins. Normally he befriended them as quickly as possible so as not to have his metaphorical financial spleen cut out of his stomach (at least it was metaphorical with the lawyers, not so much the goblins.)

But this lawyer had been sent from a power even greater than his own. And he was pissed off at Harry. He shoved several rude documents towards Harry's face. Harry went into death throes.

Before he could succumb to this legal foe, Harry yelled out "Activate the Omega 13!!"

And so time reversed for 13 seconds (AN-look up Galaxy Guest).

And this time just as the lawyer menacingly entered in his posh suit, Harry quickly explained that he was the intellectual property of JK Rowling; he was just being borrowed by the author for a time, along with the setting and the other characters, under the doctrine of fair use.

And thus Harry narrowly survived the attack.

We can all learn from this riveting tale: Always, **always** use a disclaimer with your fanfics.

* * *

**And now(finally, yes, I'm very sorry) the actual story!!  
**

No visible change occurred.

Harry smirked with even more malice.

Both Hermione and Ron were starring at Harry. Harry continued to smirk.

Eventually Harry noticed this, and began to feel uncomfortable. He was forced to act.

"Excuse me, I never looked at you funny when you acted crazy." (probably a horrible, horrible lie)

Both Ron and Hermione began eating their respective breakfasts again.

Harry continued to smirk at Umbridge. The glare/smirk had its intended effect; Umbridge decided that Harry was up to something.

Umbridge abruptly stood up from the Head table and began to wobble towards the Gryffindor table. Had Harry been less revolted by the character approaching him, he would have fought it hilarious how her weight forced her to walk. He might even had made some comparisons to Dudley.

Umbridge stopped just near Harry and told him that he had detention for staring too hard at her. Then, too Umbridge's horror (as well as everyone withing earshot) a single phrase was forced out of her mouth. This phrase would not have been so bad, except it was in the voice of a particular regional manager for an American paper company.

"That's what she said!"

The hall was silent. The sound of dropped forks clanging against plates echoed.

Then the laughter began.

Everyone began to chuckle simultaneously as if by some secret cue. Then the transition to deeper laughs, followed by fist-banging laughs, and finally the rofl-copter proudly hovered over Hogwarts School of Magic.

Most faces were red. The Weasleys were especially vulnerable to this; Harry idly noted that Ginny's cheeks nearly matched her auburn hair.

Hermione was unsuccessfully attempting to restrain her amusement, but to her immediate horror a loud ringing laugh poured out of her mouth.

Even the teachers had joined in. A short Flitwick was hidden under the Head table. McGonagall had spit out her drink. Hagrid's booming, thunderous laughter could probably be heard distinctly in the Forbidden Forest. The only teacher not participating in the hilarity was Snape, who if possible looked even more irritated at students, Harry Potter, and life in general. Harry decided that the comment had only reminded Snape that he never got any.

Eventually the tumult died down.

Chuckles of the more amused remained for a few more seconds, but faded. In the end only Luna Lovegood was giggling softly to herself, repeating "That's what she said" before breaking into more wheezing laughs.

The bell for first class rang.

Harry rushed out of the Great Hall; he had left his bag at the Tower and had to hurry if he was to obtain it and reach Flitwick's class in time.

* * *

AN- Sorry it took so long. I was just without inspiration for so long, and then this popped in my head.

I love the Office. I should put Dwight in here somehow...

Anyways, will update more now. I have quite a few more ideas that I can write about. I just need to find time.

Time comes with no school.

No school comes just after insane amounts of homework and midterms.

So it will be two weeks before an update. Yes, I realize the last time I said that it was a few months. I promise.


	5. She Didn't Really Say That

I promise that I don't own the Tentacle Monster down by the lake by Hogwarts. Or Hogwarts. Or any other items belonging to JK Rowling.

I also promise that if I did own a Tentacle Monster, I would use it for a nefarious scheme that only someone who reads Evil Overlord (read D3athraven or me) would ever bother coming up with. Oh man, just think of what I could do with that. I can see some pretty humorous uses. Maybe that should be it's own little fic...

* * *

**No She Didn't!**

Harry finished Potions in a good mood. Even Snape's predictable derogatory comments could not shake the humor that threatened to bubble out of him. The analogy was an unfortunate one; Neville's potion did bubble over and liberally coated everyone.

And Harry had Defense next. Things were looking up.

* * *

Defense was an abysmal failure. At least from the teacher's point of view.

"Open up (That's what she said) to page 53 and read Wilkinson's Theory on International Relations."

This caused several students to suffer conniption fits, but they remained in control until Dean Thomas asked Professor Umbridge if Wilkinson's Theory on International Relations really was about sex.

Professor Umbridge's face could not have been more red or pinched up. Harry privately thought her eyes might bulge out of their sockets.

"MY OFFICE NOW THOMAS (That's what she said)!!!"

The jinx on Umbridge continued to force her to add 'That's what she said' to every possibly misinterpreted phrase she uttered. Finally she sat down, defeated, and refused to utter another word. Harry began to feel a bit sorry for Umbridge.

Actually, Harry felt a bit sorry for himself and the class. Some of the suggestions had been especially horrible, and Harry did not want the mental images to continue. He really wanted to remove the jinx, but it would be really obvious who had done it. Not like it wasn't already, but still.

Harry decided it was time to talk to the twins about this. The thing Umbridge had said about centaurs had made him really ill at ease. Parvati looked highly insulted, which only made Harry more ill at ease. He never liked how obsessed they were over Trelawny, and it was really, really disturbing to think that all that was just...

But see, this is exactly why Harry needed to meet the twins as soon as possible.

* * *

Harry couldn't meet with the twin for another two days. During this time, the voice became so repeated that Harry started going insane. The spell had further deteriorated, and now Umbridge added the infamous phrase to virtually anything she uttered. Harry shuddered at how someone could even make most of her sentences perverted. The voice began to enter into his mind, adding the phrase to statements made within his own head.

When he finally met the twins, they too were disgusted and in horror. They quickly worked on a way to reverse the spell, but quickly discovered that Umbridge, Harry, and the twins had to be present outside of the Main Hall. This would be nearly impossible, as Umbridge ran quickly away to and from breakfast, always taking alternative routes to avoid more humilation. She would run even faster if she saw the twins.

They needed extra help. Another would have to be present. That night was DA...

* * *

And the rest will wait until the next chapter. Yeah, I cut this one short. Note the strategic usage of an elipsis to indicate the underlying issues haven't been resolved yet. I totally just sastified my quota for extraordinary words in writing (read: I used a lot of obscure and big words, so I'm celebrating by eating some pudding).


End file.
